Filling in the blanks

Boy, it's been a loooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnng time since i blogged. I'm just gonna give a "5-minute" tell all of what all has happened. For the most part i'll say i was just lazy to blog. I didn't work during the last quarter and i really didn't study. I mean i didn't even study for the final for my 6 credit gero class cuz i didn't know what to study and i didn't have any notes to look at.



Anyway, i did go to Ghana. The trip home was somewhere between ok and good. i think it's a little better than good. the only crazy thing was a bunch of kids on the plane who just wouldn't sleep. There were just too many kids on the plane.

Ghana hasn't changed has much as i expected. Actually, it's really not changed at all. everything is more or less the same. There's more corruption, most of the stuff on the radio was about the upcoming presidential election. Not so much about the election itself but the election of a presidential candidate for one of the large opposition party. There were i think more than 18 people who wanted to be the party's candidate and i heard they each had to pay $25,000 just to buy into the election. Now if that isn't atrocious, you've got to tell me what is especially when you have kids in schools in the greater Accra region who don't have desks in their classrooms or even bowls to eat lunch out of. So i really didn't care much about what was going on.



Living with my mum was a roller coaster ride with good and crazy spots. There were times i wish i was off of it and there were times i was happy i took the ride.



The other thing is i got to hang out with an old sorta acquaintance of mine. he really wasn't a friend of mine though he introduced me as a friend to a friend of his. i don't think he was an acquaintance either but that's the best spot i can put him. i mean we went to the same school, shared the same desks thousands of times through different grades but we really never talked to each other cuz we were competitors and if there was any form of communication, which i can think of one, we were sorta fighting.
But the wiered thing is that we picked up from a point we didn't leave off, we picked up our past like we'd been friends for years. Funny, huh? Anyway i haven't spoken to him since i came back into the country.
Oh, talking about coming back, i was surprised at the us embassy. the location has changed and with all the freaking out and uncertainty, here i am. i did meet another old acquaintance of mine at the embassy and he told me he got the visa and that he'll show up on friday to pick-up just like everyone else. However, i didn't see him on friday when we went for the pick-up. i saw his friend though and i started to wonder if he really got it or if he said that just to make up appearances. I guess we'll never know what the truth is.

So, lot's of stuff happened when i was away, stuff i've probably forgotten.

Coming back was crazy. i did see some of the same faces on the flight back. I guess i'm not the only one who decided to spend 2 weeks in the country. Oh, i remember something, the officials at kotoka international airport in ghana are first class thieves and robbers. They are as corrupt as can never be. They rob people of money and anything else they can. I was willing to give up my citizenship after those SOBs took money from me by telling me i can't get a passport while out of the country. They took money from another guy too. Lucky bastard is a US citizen so at least when he said "i'm never gonna come home again" he had something to fall back on.

I was just appalled to see how these thieves conduct thier evil deeds soo openly like it's not stealing or robbery. People who work at Kotoka are corrupt.

So i got back into the country. Crazy thing about starting school late, even if you just missed a single lecture for just one class is that it makes everything seem like you are soo behind on every other thing even if you showed up day one lectures for your other classes. Sucks, right?

I spent the rest of my time back watching all the stupid tv shows, i think drexel requiring students to take economics is absolutely atrocious. My econ teacher doesn't know how to teach. Maybe it's cuz he's young and starting. I'll fill in the blanks about my quarter later.

Praying for the patient.

So it's 6:55 am. Just before the shift ends and as i walk towards the front nurses station, i decide to stop in the room of a patient i've had for the past 2 weeks but didn't have tonite cuz my preceptor isn't her. I heard earlier this morning that she's going for a surgery to have a PEG placed. The word out on the floor between 2 nurses was that the probability of her making it through it is really slim and that the doctors have told her that. Her nurse tonite was particularly concerned because the patient is not oriented or alert.
So i walked in, called her by her name and asked how she was and in her sweet irish accent, she responded "fine, thank you." So i go ahead and say " Good luck with your surgery today." She says thank you, you're a very sweet girl."
Then she says "Say a prayer for me" I thought i didn't hear her right so i ask, 'what did you say?"
And she goes "say a little prayer for me."
So i put my hands over her hands which are beneath the blanket and go:

"Dear Lord, I commit Miss ******** into your hands today. I pray that as she goes for a her surgery today you will guide her and be with her and make everything successfull. This i pray and ask in Christ Jesus name, Amen."

With that said, she said "thank you. you're very sweet." My response was
either i hope i see you and take care or i just said "take care." i prolly said
something more than that before i left the room.

With my little prayer said, i hope God hears and answers. I know he heard it,
the thing is the answer of the tongue is from God (proverbs 16:1b). Poor widow, May the Lord
be with her.

The cranky patient

The key to dealing with them is block out their nasty comments. If it enters your ears, let it come out. I mean i have a patient who was nasty on dayshift and as her condition gets worse, she gets more nasty and rude and blurts out nasty comments between everything. Some of her comments reflect her own nasty attitude but she made one stupid comment and my reaction was just to ignore what she said. Whatever it meant, i really didn't care to ask her. Yes, i understad the anxiety from an illness can bring out the rudness in a person but this person isn't that sick.
that said, i'm done.

Seniors and hearing aids.

So here's one thing with the older folks, specifically those who use hearing aids. I mean they take their hearing aids out and when they see your lips moving while staring at them which obviously means you are talking to them, they are bold enough to tell you "i can't hear you" or "sweetie/hon, i don't have my hearing aids on." Hello?!!!! Why do you have the hearing aid in the first place? to make ppl scream at you and waste all the 200 calories they got from their sandwich on you?
I mean think about it, if you can't hear cuz your hearing aids are out, why not put them back in instead of just going i can't hear.
Of course this came up cuz i have a patient who is practically deaf without his hearing aids. I mean it's atrocious and he keeps voicing his concerns. How am i suposed to explain things to you?!
Anyhoo, enougha that.

The $100 eyeshadow and gloss.

So while wondering what sorta foundation i'll need for my complexion, a coworker suggested i go to macy's and ask them to help me choose one. Well, there's a big Macy's right down my street here downtown so i decided to go there today.
I did get a whole facial with everything from cleansers, toners, moisturizers, foundation, lip treatment, eye treatment, everything. Well, The foundation i wanted wasn't there but i got two eye shadows, really little eye shadow, about half the size of the ones at the pharmacy and a lip gloss and moisturizer. That was $95.xx I mean to spend almost a hundred buck on 3 items of make-up is just a SIN!
I'm sure if they had the foundation i'd have gone above $100. I only got the moisturizer cuz when i asked for the prize, i thought i heard the woman say "thirteen" cuz her head was bent under the counter looking for a lip gloss for me. It turns out the thing was $38 so i guess that's what she said. $38 for a little container of moisturizer? i'm sure i coulda gotten one from neutrogena for less than $20. Anyway, that is the end of me. I cannot spend that much on make up.

On the other hand, i got a gift bag which had an eyeshadow set i wanted to get but passed on, and i got 2 brushes which i really wanted and a mascara, a lipstick, i'm not big on lipstick and some cream and fragrance. So i guess in some ways, they saved me me some money plus i signed up for a macy's card where i get the 20% off. i wouldn've signed up for it but i figured i really needed the discount.
I must say i do like their products cuz its fragrance free and my face felt really revitalize, plus Estee's sale's associates at macy's are really nice, helpful, courteous, u name it.

The Code - an addedum

[see original post below]
So, last nite, the nurses were talking about the code. i believe i made a comment that all i saw was people doing cpr in the room. I hope i mentioned in the post that i had been doing vitals elsewhere and came by to watch everything later. So last nite i actually heard what happend.
Remember i said that when the guy was found, he still had ryhthms, just unresponsive which is why a RR was called instead of a code. Well, the general comments by the nurses was that "it was a sloppy code." According to them, compressions weren't started till about 2omins time and they felt compressions coulda been started early. " it didn't seem like the knew what they were doing during the first minutes" one commented.
Two of 'em felt there shoulda been someone higher than the residents running the code because both the residents and interns were new and the one who was actually dictating the code said it was her first time.
One agreed but felt the it's not really necessary to have a higher doctor running the code, however, there should still be a higher person who would stand there and say "no, don't do this or do that."
The other pointed out the didn't even start pushing meds early and weren't sure of what they were doing.
Like i said in the original post, from what i observed, when they were asking for some meds, pharmacy didn't have like 2 meds they asked for. it coulda been more, i only know 2 meds weren't given.
Also, the lack of communication was soo bad no one knew what was going on.
One nurse said what about cardiology and while the other pointed out that the cardiology guy just came in to observe, another pointed out that the only reason why the guy came to our floor was because he was on the floor right above us when the thing was going on. I think i mentioned in the original post that he showed up toward sthe last 3rd part of the code.

One question i asked myself the night i blogged was that would the patient have made it through the code if the meds pharmacy didn't have had been there.
Today, the question i ask is: would he have made it if compressions had been started early and there'd been a much senior resident or some higher doctor there? I really believe he woulda made it cuz he had rhythm, he had a much higher chance of surving. Starting CPR on an unresponsive patient with rhythm 20minutes after a code starts is just a SIN!
Other thing i'm wondering is why didn't these nurses voice their concerns at the end when the cardiologist asked for opinions? Go figure!
All, in all, i've heard there've been some "sloppy" and "nasty" codes that have taken place on the floor and while this one was terrible, i heard it was a lot better than some of the nasty ones.

These docs should be glad the family is not screaming "bloody lawsuit" cuz if all these things come to light.......Only God knows what the outcome will be.
For me, it's a learning experience, i did learn from it and i hope it makes me a much smarter and better practioner.

Interestingly rude answer?!!!

So, my preceptor was making a comment that last nite was my last nite. Then she added, well, it's not her last but it's her last with me. Another drexel co-op sitting infront me while i add my I&O goes "is your last night?" Trying not to loose focus on the numbers i'm adding, i respond "you heard what she said." Poor **** opens her mouth and goes "that's an interstingly rude answer."
If i wasn't a Christian, my first reaction woulda been wtf?!! But then again this is someone who has serious issues with stuff that comes out from ppls mouth or even ppls reactions. So, i refused to pay attention to what she said or say anything and she got up and left. I was not gonna drag that negativity she was trying to breed onto me and make it something hugh. I just didn't care if that was what she thought it is. I am soo sick of that attitude!

This person takes things soo personally that even when it doesn't relate to her she claims it does and creates huge mountains out of mole hills. I mean the other day, i got off the shuttle and she tells me someone is asking to speak to me. i looked back when she called me, stood to listen to what she said then kept walking. She followed me to ask "why r you ignoring me?" if i was ignoring her i woulda kept on walking when when she called and not even stood to listen to her. And btw, this was after a test where i was semi-depressed about the whole exam thingy.
Last time, she comes into a session with julie and i. Oh, i saw her tutoring, said hello and said i'll see her at work. Then she comes to know on the door where Julie and I were, opens it and goes "what are you doing?" While i understand that curiosity is part of human nature, what i don't get is how the heck is that part of a her silly business! So, since we had a recorder taping everything and i didn't want to go like "get out of here," i politely say, "you're taking up our time" and sorta point to the recorder on the table. She still stands ther and keep going what are you guys doing for like 2 more times and i say the same thing and even add, we're on the clock here and then she goes are you playing a game. As much as i wanted to scream the hell out of our session, i still kept trying to tell that noozy nosed person to in the same way to stop taking our time, we're recording something. Finally, she gets it, says sorry and leaves.
She sees me at work and goes "thanks for screaming at me." Huh?!!! why would i scream in front of a stranger. So i reply, thanks for intruding on my session.

Once again, she takes that on the offensive side, and i really didn't care this time. She starts giving me a cold shoulder. i figured if she needs to talk to me, i'm always open and will answer her so i went about my business. One nurse tried to find a picture on my facebook profile and since i wasn't willing to show it, she asks "girlfriend" here to show her. So i follow her and when i got near girlfriend, her first reaction was "why are you intruding in my email?" What the bloody ****!!! I wanted to go "have i held your hands or the keyboard or am i hacking into the computer you're using but i just left for the sake of peace.
Now that was SUPER childish. I mean a six-year-old coulda behave better, than she a 22-year-old. I told her right there she has serious issues and she goes in the most angry, irrate almost to the point-of-tears-tone that i should never say that to her. Like i give a crap what she said, i just left her to her bitter misery. I'd already removed the picture from facebook.

Of course, she stopped that cold silly attitude of hers and i guess she stopped cuz i just said hi to her or what i needed to say to her and went about my business. I really haven't given much of my time to her since then cuz i just can't deal with her. She's too much of an emotional and physical burden for me and i just refuse to carry it. I honestly have no hard feelings towards, if there was anything at all, which i don't think there is, i have let it go and forgiven her. I just don't have time to deal with her self-centeredness where she things everything is about her. Maybe i'm being a li'l bit of a harsh critic here but onvr upon a time, I, too, used to think the everything was all about me and i hope i don't hate this trait cuz i possess it myself, cuz i think i'm done and over with.

I just pray to God to help me life a peace with everyone here so i can have my peace of mind, Amen.

Something i don't get.

I recorded 30 as a pt respiratory rate at 19whatever it is. Patient c/o of chest pain like 15 or so min ago so i did another set of VS and went to document it only to find that beneath my respiratory rate, my preceportr wrote s/p ambulation...24@rest. Huh?! The patient was actually sleeping or so when i counted that thing. And it's still 30 even when i did it on separate occasions now.

What i don't get is that whenever an abnormal V/S comes up, my preceptor has to make sure the follow up is better than the first one. What's wrong if a patients BP was 154/60 but a manual shows it's 180/90. What is wrong with stating the hard core facts as they are. Why do we have to make it look better even when it isn't? It's not just the temperature but it's practically everything else, whether it is that BP i heard so perfectly cuz it almost burst my eardrums or whatever it is, it's like when she rechecks it, it has to be lower thean my value. At first, i thought she was trying to show me as someone who is incompetent or whatever but now, i think there's more to it than just that.
Anyway, she decided to put the pt on oxygen and in her words to the patient..."we're going to put you on oxygen for comfort." So when recording the V/S, i ask how much O2 the pt was on so i could document it and the MD goes "she doesn't need oxygen." My precept goes, yes she doesn't need O2 but she was asking for it. Huh?! i taught the patient was told blank without a choice that she was gonna be put on oxygen.
EKGs fly around here even when they aren't needed and people are put on telemetry sometimes when it's not needed. I don't get certain things that go on here. ICU nurses sometimes don't see eye to eye with the docs. These nurses are by the patient all the time so they see what the docs don't see and most of the time they are right. A few times, they are wrong and the docs are right. Perhaps, by observing from a distance, they are able to see what the nurses can't see. So yeah, i'm just a student, i may not get certain things... i may be right and i may be wrong, i don't know which is which but i hope to understand someday.

The CODE

just before 8pm. And guess what, it was on my patient. I was somewhere eles, doing my vitals. He was the last person i was gonna go to cuz i thought he was fine. I mean he was the last time i saw him, thinking about it now it was about 3 days ago.



The last time i worked, i was gonna blog about a patient of mine who came back here just when my co-op is over. I was gonna write that he looked good, he had hair this time, last time he was here he had a chest tube. I was gonna write how good of a shape he was in.

Ironic cuz he's the one who coded.

Thing is they did not call a code but a rapid response. Was suprised to hear them call it to my floor and i kept asking which room. I did not get report on him before i started doing my vitals cuz my preceptor was here yesterday and she gave me the low-down on him.

What i heard was that he was found unresponsive. Why not call a code then?! Later on, i heard he was breathing but unresponsive. Go figure what the real thing was. I went into the room early on and my preceptor kicked me out. Who else but her? Of course, if she hadn't commonsense woulda told me to come out cuz there were soo many doctors plus the nurses on the rapid reponse team and those here that i woulda gotten out.

I couldn't see much of the action when i came out. All i saw was people doing serious CPR and taking turns with that. Anesthesia was called and the thing is anesthesia would have been here if a code had been called instead of a RR. So yeah, they came, too. I wasn't really hearing anyone calling out anything like Heart rate blah blah blah or respiration so or so or anything. All i did hear was the call to pharmacy for meds, one i couldn't figure was "Amio." I was like huh?! so i looked on the vial and it was amiodarone...didn't occur to me the short name was amio. Also, some of the meds they asked for weren't here and i saw the pharmacist call down. Part of me wonders if that woulda made a difference in the outcome of the code had the meds been up here.



So yeah, after seeing ppl take turns doing CPR, I heard one resident or intern, whatever she was, she's still an MD, say over the phone that "we have 10 seconds!" Earlier on, i'd heard them say there was a bed in the MICU for the patient and i had been praying while standing outside that he'll make it. So in about 9 seconds after the MD said what she said, people started coming out of the room. Expressions on the faces had changed and there was this awkward sorta silence. I heard an MD say over the phone when he came out that "he died during the code." I thought to myself i didn't herar that right.No one was saying that much and i wasn't sure what was going on. So i asked a nurse infront of me about what was happening and her response was "they called the code." I wasn't sure if that meant they've stopped the rescucitation or if it meant they were finally declaring a code instead of the RR that had been called earlier. I think the later is a little dumb on my part but i can't be too certain, can i? I heard them ask for a doppler and part of me thought this thing is still going on but basically, all the docs were out and almost everyone was out except 4 or so nurses, one of 'em trying to apply pressure to the femoral line that had been used for the ABGs, i guess. But yeah, it was all over.

Boy, i took a long break after that last paragraph but where was i? Well, there was this MD fromt the "cardiology division" who i saw come in somewhere in the middle of the code. I noticed him cuz he wasn't wearing the regular green scrubs like the others, had this sort of interesting dark blue and black combination. But anywho, after the whole hiatus was over, he came out,and we sorta had this oval circle of nurses and MDs and i think 2 pharmacists or one...can just picture the younger looking one (picture a dinner table with people sitting around it except remove the table with the people still there - that was the arrangement), so he stood at what i'll call the head and asked everyone to comment on what they thought coulda been done better to help with the whole event. He started off saying he thought there was a communication problem. Everyone did go around saying their piece of mind. I did leave that circle cuz i had no comment and i didn't feel my place was there. I just thought what he did was really great...i mean having people reflect on the whole thing to see what could've been done better. (off topic but my preceptor just asked me to "get some tubes" so i ask what tubes to find out. For crying out loud, she's standing by a phone, all she has to do is call a different floor to tube us one, pretty simple huh? thought so but i'm sure it isn't for her.)

Oh, somewhere towards the end of the code, i heard my preceptor insisting that we call the patients family. The MD was really, if not super hesitant to call the family. So my preceptor had to tell her how close the guy was to his niece and how they'd want to know and blah, blah, blah before the MD called. I actually found that a little puzzling cuz even when i did my last co-op, i had to call the emergency contacts when something happened to a patient, whether it's a fall or whatever. And i know when my other patient fell that one time, the MD had to call the family so why was this lady having a hard time calling the family when their loved one was coding? I mean...i just don't get it! But anyway, after the guy had been pronounced dead i heard her asking for opinions as to whether to call the niece and let her know or wait for her to get her because the lady had said she was getting a ride her and she, the MD, had told the niece she'd call with any updates. Well, she waited till she got her.

When the niece came in, she looked like she'd been crying. She went to the room and called the patient by name in a way a child will say "mommy" to a sleeping mother and keep saying it as her voice lowers with each "mommy" she says and finally it just trails off. Except in this case, you could hear the tears in her voice. Yes i was outside the room at the nurses station just out of curiousity. I heard her wail. The gentleman who'd come with her stood outside, his eyes looked red but he wasn't showing any outward expression of emotions but it was obvious that he'd been crying. The charge nurse directed the lady to the confrence room cuz the docs were there. It was just a sad senario. Sad because i heard the whole family was here last night and they had a blast. The guy looked a lot better this time, he came in with fevers and he wasn't even febrile the night i admitted him. He was ambulatory, everything was fine. Of course he's on oxygen but this is someone whose had a lobectomy, and everything else to his lungs and still smoke. The last time he was here he had a chest tube and he'd still go out and smoke...and he was on oxygen back then. When i was taking his things out of the drawer and saw the cigarrette, i thought for a second there whether quitting smoking woulda made a difference.

Anywho, i forgot to say i finally did get to go to the room after the whole thing was done and see the dead guy. Didn't even get to do his vitals or do anything on him tonite. I did clean up his drawer, saw some money, a pack of cigerrete and forgotten what else i'd pulled out. His bag was open and atop of everything was a "Holy Bible." When i saw that, i thought to myself...i hope he read it today. I didn't even know he had a Bible. I did shove the stuff i found in the drawer on top of it. I took a good look at him, and the nurses had managed to put his red shirt on him and made him look presentable. At that moment, i don't think everything was real to me. It's still not real to me, part of this feels like a dream. I mean, most of the people here who die pretty much know they're gonna die. They come in their conditions worses and wham! out you go. The only surprises are people who are walking around, have massive GI bleeds, go down to the MICU and die later and even those you know they're gonna die, the only surprise stems from how sudden and unexpected the bleed was. You don't have patients who are perfectly fine and ambulatory 2hours ago and unresponsive when u check them.

I guess it reminds us man is but a breath in the site of God, quickly it comes out and quickly it vanishes into the air. I hadn't planned on having a code tonite, i mean who plans for that sorta thing. But as it's written, in his heart a man plans his course but the LORD determines his steps. I've been pretty lucky during this co-op. I know those who worked here last year had a couple of deaths. This is my first patient dying. I did have a 24-year-old die when i first came but he wasn't my patient. I decided to help with the post morterm thingamajig cuz i figured i was gonna have a lot of 'em ahead of me. Interestingly, everyone seems to die on the nights when i'm not here which is not bad at all. So today, just one more night before i'm done with my preceptor, it hit us, unexpectedly. I don't think she's had a death before cuz she made the expression we get to do post-mortem care. Like myself, she's been pretty lucky but i guess there's a day for everything and tonite was our nite to get hit with ti.

Reflecting on the family, a good number of them did come here and i've had to pause for a second to think of how it would feel like to be called and told someone whom you'd seen the previous day perfectly healthy just kick the bucket? How hard that must be. My heart goes out to them and i'm not super emotional now, i'm sure i will be once all this sinks in.

Poor guy died with an ET tube in his mouth.
May his soul rest in peace

Accents

There are several opinions, if not many, when it comes to accents. The way foreigners view it is totally different from the way natives view it. I think instead of natives trying to sound nice and tell foreigners accents are cool and so on, they need to listen to those on the other side of the fence and try to see it from their point of view. Here's one person view on this issue and i've found many views that do make sense. Of course, natives don't see it cuz the discrimination is shown towards a foreigner based on their accent is mostly unconscious and subtle at times they don't even know they are doing it. Some do but other don't.
So, here's the post by 'ihavenoname'.

Why people would want to eliminate accents:

-- Social stigma

There is much stigma associated with accents, depending on where you are or what accents we're talking about. The problem is accent draws too much attention to itself. Rather than listening to what you have to say, people focus on how you say it. It's
also very easy to earn labels with an outlandish accent. Titles like 'redneck', 'foreigner', 'FOB', 'that guy with a Spanish accent' are not very pleasant, especially when you only want to fit in. It's true that discrimination is all too common, but speech, second in importance only to appearance, is something that can be changed. And that's all that matters.

Accent is sort of like criminal background; nice people try not to be mean about it,
but everyone has their own prejudices and you can't change that.

HP (hewlett packard)

I was looking at laptops at amazon and i specifically chose to look at Toshiba models only. A reviewer commented on having a not so positive experience with HP and it reminded me i need to sell this piece of mine. Of course i'm not gonna buy a hp laptop. If their desktops can't survive the 1 year warranty, why should i expect their laptops to do better. In fact i've heard terrible reviews about hp laptops. That wasn't the main reason why i decided not to go for a hp. Mine was the fact that i had to call hp support about a month before my warranty was through cuz i was having issues with my computer and they quoted me the number of days i have left on my warranty. They decided to start "a case" and look into the problem and after calling a little while thereafter, i gave up.
The thing that surprises me is how they keep sending me their catalogues and emails about their sale events. I always thought i was gonna get a hp digital camera but after reading some stuff about that, i got a canon and i'm soo glad i did. Thing is if hp knows their computers break down before the 1year warranty, which i'm sure they do, i wonder why they keep sending catalogues to customers who should be pissed at them for the poor ROI. Well, for now at least, i think it's because they know customers would need to replace those broken pc's so its best to send them the catalouges. Smart idea but the thing is: everyone ain't stupid! I am done with them. I really don't need a desktop anymore since my contract with the Big Dubya is ending this month. That means we switch to a laptop. hahaha.

Things i need to do

• Tone my abs
• Find a way to gain some extra weight, i've gained about 15 to 18 pounds since i've been in philly, but i could uses some extra flesh since africans are crazy about weight...was thinking ensure but i never gained an ounce when i drank 4 -6packs of those. 24 ensure plus and i didn't gain an ounce. So i need to find a different way.
• Get stuff i need to buy

Hopfully i can find my way to the gym...hahaha. Did i say i filled the form to change my major today? i'll letcha know how that goes.

Philly as I know it

Today, i was walking down 13th street trying to get to drexel. Then it occured to me i was going home to visit for a little while. As i looked down the street this cloudy morning, starred at the cars waiting at the red light adn the the people around, i realized i'm gonna miss philly, even if i'm leaving for 2 weeks.
I love philly, it's a great city. I take a lot of things for granted such as the art museum, city hall, which i walk past at least once a week, reading terminal market which i walk by at least 4-5 times a week among other things.
Thinking about how i was gonna miss philly when i leave for my vacation made me realize i wouldn't have felt the same way if i was leaving for kansas. I wouldn't have felt the same way if i lived in kansas and was leaving for Ghana. It occured to me that this is prolly cuz philly is a city i know very well. I've been in many cities in the US, been to more than 30 states or is it 40+ states. I've never really lived somewhere where i knew the city, had friends in different parts of the city and did stuff. One thing about the midwest is that you have to drive everywhere, walking seems to be a sin in most parts of the midwest. Plus diversity is absolutely nonexistent so you don't see much and the little you see isn't engaging or fun. Philly is different, it's a vibrant city with young and old around, rich culture and diversity, lots of history and great people.

Over 2 years ago, when i was choosing which state to move to, i thought of maryland, then i chose philly cuz it looked like it had a lot going on and the truth is it does. I just never new how attached i was attached to philly when it occured to me i was gonna go away for a little while. i used to travel a lot before i came here and it occured to me i haven't gone out of state since i came. I tried to think of how ghana will look like, i can't imagine because i've known philly these last few years and it's vibrant, busy and soo much like accra that i really didn't miss it that much.
It just occured to me 2days ago at work that i was going to travel, prior to that time, it had been something that didn't seem real, now it is an the time left is little. I don't even have my suitcase, it's still in kansas. i guess i'll need to get one from walmart or kmart...kmart has a sale so it might be the best place to go, plus it's downtown so i can just walk down the street and get the thing.
For the two weeks, i know i'll miss living downtown, center city is awesome and i'll miss philly, the sweet city of brotherly love, i'll miss those days when i see 2 girls fighting over a cell phone, or when someone sits on top of a building threatening to jump down and seeing the cops and everyone standing and trying to do what they have to do, i'll miss chestnut street, where i've spent a lot of money this spring and summer shopping my heart out. Gosh, downtown philly can turn a tightwad into a shopaholic, lol. I'll miss a lotta things and i hope that when i get back, philly will be the same great philly it is. I don't expect much to change in two weeks but you can't be too careful about, can you?
I was so excited in may when i bought my ticket then sam scared me and i realized he was talking bout the holland embassy for transit visa. Now, i got excited early this week and thinking about philly brings me mixed feelings. But i've been dying to see Ghana for the last 2 or so years so i'm happy to go HOME and see what my country has come to.

A moment of silence

For a dear patient of mine. Not really my patient all the time but he is someone i got to know as i worked with other nurses and had a good relationship with. Just walked into the breakroom and saw the announcement for his funeral. First of all, i wasn't expecting him to die cuz i saw him the weekedn before the last when i worked and i know he was here during the week when i was here cuz i'd heard them talking about dialysis for him cuz he had developed renal failure. For a moment there, i thought chemo makes him get that but that was all i thought at that moment and i never thought about anything again.

I'm just sad. Soo sad. Actually, i was so shocked in the break room i expressed my shock in such loud outburst of disbelief. It made me loose my appetite for the other half of my chicken sandwich (Thank God i finished the first half of it when it came in an 10 ). As i sat and ate dinner, i couldn't help but picture him from the last time when i saw him, boy he was soooo huge then, i remember trying to say something to him but i couldn't say "you look like you've gained a lot of weight" so i said "you're not your usual self". And i said that because he was quiet, withdrawn, wasn't talking much, had this flat affect and he just wasn't who he used to be. I thought back to the last time when i came in and he made me go get a delivery for him downstairs while i was getting report. He asked me to take $5 of the money and i told him, i can't do that because i'm a christian. Then i thought back to the last time katie worked, i did cultures on him that night and thinking about that made me realize that the first time i did cultures during april was on this patient and the last time i did cultures was on him. Then i thought about the very first time he came in, the first day i saw him, i'd heard during report that his name was being pronounced wrong. When i went in, there were two male friends of his, and his girlfriend. I'm wondering if his daughter was there but i don't think he was. They were cracking jokes left and right and his blood pressure was elevated so i made a comment and he blamed the people there for getting him too excited. That was the best i'd ever seen him, thinking aobut it now.

Over these past few months, i've watched him through the spikes and how sometimes he would say the S word when he spikes or the F word when he spikes or something happens. I've watch him on the phone deal with family issues with his gf as i took a blood pressure and pretended i wasn't listening.

Today, i think off all the times i've known this person, of how i would go say hi even when i don't have him as a patient and chat with him for a while. I only go to few patients room to say hi when i don't have them and those are patients i've good relationship with. I can only think of 4 of them for the time that i've been here. I'm sad to hear that he died. i think of that 2-year old daughter of his. She was really beautiful and i remember telling him the first time i saw him to "do it for her." If by saying that i meant do the chemo, then God forgive me. I have a strong sense of feeling that some people can live longer without chemo than they can with it. I overheard a patient today tellign whomever was on the other end of the phone that when this treatment is over, she is not going to come in again. I don't blame here. This is a patient who came in perfectly healthy with a baseline temperature of 97. whatever. Now she's grateful to God to get a temp of 98.8. I remember a case in my bioethics class last quarter when a christian scientist family came under severe critism because they would not let their child undergo chemotherapy after they'd been told the child could get all the side effects including sterility. Plus the child could also die. I wouldn't have gone with the therapy but of course we live in a society where anti-christian sentiments are mundane.

Anyway, back to the topic. Thinking about this patient of mine, part of me wonders if his lifespan woulda been longer without chemo. I guess we'll never find out. Life is soo unpredictable and something like this tells me to draw nearer to God cuz death has no respect for age. We try to think we are in control of our lives but the truth is, we aren't. I'm not a funeral person. The last time i went to a funeral was in high school and that was cuz i was trying to show that i wasn't that selfish person who wants to stay on campus and study. That was silly anyway cuz i never went into the house when i went to the funeral. I might go. i thought i had some hours lined up with WCD for me but i guess i may be trading them. If i do go, i'll post my thoughts on funeral. ):

Guess when a code is called....

Now, 6:54, when the shift ends at 7. That is what i call perfect timing...you have both day and night shift available to help. Well, not soo perfect timing.

Speech, but not as i know it.

Today was my last day with julie. We spent an hour and half together cuz after waking up at 8am and having to walk around downtown and do lundry as well, i didn't think i would be able to get up at 3pm tmrw especially since i had to do some hours for WCD. Well, i'm gonna get up at 3 anyways tmrw except i saw some stray trades and figured i need them. Last week, we got kicked out of one of those viewing rooms so we went to the student academic resource or whatever-it's-called place so we could use the anatomy room. Today, i took her there since i didn't want a repeat of last weeks episode. I think St*ph thought i was tutoring julie when i came over last week and j*ff asked me this week just to verify. Of course she did come later to interrupt my session, not sure if she wanted to find out specifically what was going on but she came at that time cuz julie and i were doing a couple of dialogues like we were reheasing for a play.

Enougha that. Bottom line, i do an improvement and this became pretty obvious today with the dialogues and 3 news articles i had to read. The articles are torture...too much concentration required. However, i was suprised to see how i would have previously said something a particular way and how i say it currently. The interesting part is when i get confused about which one is the ole way and which is the new way, hahaha. But then it's just not a matter of speech, i see a big change in terms of comprehension of the cultural indoctrination underlying every single word or phrase or sentence. I actually think comprehension is 80% when it comes to this but of course, everyone pays no attention to it. The focus is put on the mechanical and technical aspects such as producing the speech itself. I've realized if a person can understand how mood and situations can affect stress and intonation, it would make a LOT of difference. That is because once the comprehension is taken care off everything flows or, the sounds may have to be mastered for everything to flow.
I'll say for a grad student, i think julie did a pretty good job. Of course, looking at AAT approach and ravin's approach as well, i think she does have some things she might need to work on but otherwise, she was good and evidently better than these actors who become trainers. And at her level, i think she did do a good job and i'm glad. I wish we coulda accomplish more but i'll keep working on stuff myself for the time being.
Time for my lunch break or 'izit' midnite break.

baby got book... and a sad night.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=97759aa27a0c99bff671
i think i started this post last friday and i was gonna finish it up but friday was soo hectic i couldn't sit down to write. i was gonna say everyone should check that video out. But i'll move on to more important stuff.
So, a death, a fall and just running around like crazy...that's all in a night's work. I sweet patient i know died. That was something i wasn't expecting. i heard he was up to visit our floor on monday but he couldn't get a bed. He was fine the morning but it was something of some aneurysm, you know those ones, when they burst, your done. It was sad. His primary on my floor got called to go downstairs and he came back with red eyes. Guy had been crying downstairs, i guess.
Then i had a sweet patient fall. It's like i saw it coming. I'd taken the trouble to mention to my preceptor the lady looks unsteady on her feet when i know very well she doesn't listen to anything i say. She doensn't even listen when tell her vital signs and she has to ask me during report to repeat it, like my brain is some walking computer. And when i open my mind to remind her of something during report, she shuts me down soo rudely it's even a shame. Anyway, she brushed me off thursday morning and thursday night the lady fell. Oops!!

I really don't get my preceptor and sometimes i find it hard to understand what she means when she says something. It doesn't have to do with any language barrier, it has to do with previous actions such as reminding me i'm just a "nursing assistant" and need to do this or that. Sometimes when she's angry, she just goes "don't touch the pump" so i stopped touching them and it's just sad to go to a patient's room, see a pump beeping to the point of blowing up a eardrum and just coming out to say "the pump is beeping." I really don't mind doing that. When she's teaching you something and u just don't get what she said, she takes it from you and does it herself, with some air of anger and an unspoken message of "lemme do my thing myself." I just feel she sees me as some dumb idiot who has nothing in the head and honestly, i don't feel like i have to prove otherwise, i really don't care what she thinks cuz it looks like my mind is already made up. The other day she got angry cuz i didn't tell her i was doing things like drawing labs and stuff when working with a different nurse. Perhaps, the other nurse saw me as nurse extern rather than an assistant whose only job was to take patients vitals and check on them q2h. I just think people only see what you want them to see cuz i've worked with different nurses and i've done a lot more than i do with my preceptor but i really don't mind doing what i do with my preceptor because each nurse has to make us do what they're comfortable with it.
So, i'm glad my co-op days are almost over, i'm thinking of working as a nursing assistant after co-op but part of me would like an externship at one these hospitals where they train externs to do phleb and stuff. Of course each place has it's own perk but i'll think and pray about it.

There are tons of stuff going on in my life now but i'll save that for later.

Day shift

It is as different from night shift as light is from day. Different pace, different atmosphere and even the nurses are different. Trust me, you work with a nurse on night shift and have her on days, expect a whole new animal right from day One.

So i did my first day shift this past weekend and boy oh boy, that was enough for me to see the perils of why i should do everything i can to avoid it. Well, maybe i may have to give it another chance cuz i had a very sick patient and i had a pest who had nothing going on but was just being a pest.

Anyhoo, i'm glad to be back on nights. Two days on day shift and the people who work night look like strangers to me. Of course, those on dayshift kept asking me "why are you here" when they saw me after 8am. Of course, y'all know yours truly is the first to get out of the door at 7:30am. I even leave my preceptor, which for the record, i feel guilty/bad when i do that but i can't sit here till 8am everyday i work.

One thing i realized during dayshift was that it felt like it was a sin to sit down even for a minute. i mean, i did my vitals and i was lost because i had nothing to do but i just couldn't sit down cuz it looked like it was a sin. Made me miss night shift on days like this when i'm done with my vitals and sitting her blogging. I can't count how many times i check my email, all the nurses check their mail at night a million times, surf websites, watch a show on abc.com.

Of course i just got interupted to see if a patient was gone. The kid i wrote about in my last post and it's just sad to see the empty room and that gown. Do miss the poor lad and feel pretty bad bout the whole thing.

But anyway, I just think the perks that come with night shift clearly outweigh those that come with dayshift. Not sure if there any perks that come with dayshift cuz waking up at 5:45 is not a sin or even a bad thing though i enjoy sleeping in but having to shove down 2 waffles, a 2-egg omelette and a glass of milk between 6:15 and 6:23 while trying to make lunch at the same time IS A SIN!

Plus i never got home before 9pm any of those two days i worked dayshift. And when i got home, i was soo dead tired you don't even feel like making dinner. Heck, i had to buy dinner both nights. Unlike night shift, you can stay up when you get home or even if you sleep right away, you can wake up at 2pm and do something like watch tv or go to the store or whatever. You can't wake up at 4am and do that? Actually, your body wouldn't let you get up till it's time to get ready for work.

Personal life, i've been super lazy with this AAT thingamajig. Either i cancel on julie or she cancels on me. Funny thing is i do hear a difference between now and the time before i started this whole thing. I did see a liguistics class i wanted to take but i can't because the Dean has "granted the permission" to substitute patho for A&P2. I thought i wanted that but thinking bout it now, patho is critical thinking, a&P2...lol...i don't even know what the textbook is and all i did was chat on messenger via my pda in class and i still breezed through a&p3. The fact that drexel is being super anal about this is absolutely atrocious. I mean you don't tell a med student who has taken all the year 1 and 2 classes and excelled the step I and 2 to go back and take general chemistry 2 in order to get an MD. i mean chemistry is a pre-req but i guess drexel doesn't reason that way. For them, if you need the chemistry, you will need to have it before you get the MD. Talk about stuff that drives me crazy when it comes to drexe.

I'm just thinking that if i decide to ditch the patho for the language class, i'll either have to take it during last quarter or i can actually ditch the statistics and take it then. not sure what i'm gonna do but time will tell.

Life is short. We make mistakes and sometimes the same mistakes over and over again. But the truth is, we can't let those mistakes hold us back in one place in life. We need to learn and make every effort possible and impossible to make sure we stop that vicious cycle.

I got my keyheartedcross ring today, finally after almost 5 weeks. It was supposed to take no later than 2weeks. Oh well, at least it's here and i'm thankful to God for that.

Chemo...

it either kills you or cures you. That really isn't too bad except you cannot predict which of the two the end result is gonna be until the end when the harm has been done. I'm not sure if it's the type of chemo chosen by the docs that doesn't match with the patient or if it's the patient body system that reacts to the chemo or maybe it a combination factor. I don't know.
I heard on thursday that a patient, really young, closer to my age passed on and the first thing i thought to myself is that the chemo killed him. I only said that because i saw him when he came and he was fine. Part of me wondered if he'd have lived longer if he hadn't gotten the chemo and 99% of me believes he would have lived a lot longer than the lifespan of my co-op.
Today, i've had to say something about a different patient and twice, i have been told and reminded by two different nurses that "Gifty, he's dying." I think i heard it being said last week but i really didn't accept it and the first time i was told today it was just a reminder. But the second time, it reminded me of how i'd not accepted the fact that the person was dying.
This person only started chemo in may. So his was also short. I just remembered the first day he came in, he was a kid, excited, full of energy, i mean he looked perfectly healthy. Over the next few months, i've watched the chemo sucked the life out of him through all the mucositis, neutropenic fevers, weakness, infections and everything else. I smiled when i remembered how he did not know a single word of english on admission and how i had to use google to translate words to how i saw him one day with a book that would help him learn english and enable him communicate with us. It brings joy to my heart when i remember pointing to a brush in the broom and having to describe there's a hairbrush and a toothbrush or having to describe a towel or anything else.
I think it's pretty sad considering a teenager whose mom is out of the country and only has brothers here. I thought of what it would be to lose a younger brother or what it would be for the mom who looses his son. I really can't say "i know how it feels" because i don't know how it feels because i've not experienced it and even if i did, it'll never feel the same way as they experience this. My heart and prayers and go to his family.

The Aftermath

So i did speak to my good ole friend today cuz last night we decided we werent thingking straight and that we'll talk today to figure out what's gonna go on. I think i'm better off with somone not pushing me to do something i don't want to do and i told him i don't want to force him into a life of celibacy by putting my values on him which is why i decided it's best if we go our separate ways.
So, i'm not exactly sure how i feel today but i do know he's a great friend and i did want us not to really get involed i a serious relationship cuz someone's gonna get hurt in the end and the earlier the better.
So life still goes on, i don't even have my purity ring on cuz i took it to the store for a smaller size and i still haven't recieved the call back to come get it. I guess u don't need a purity ring to stay pure. But yeah, we're havin lunch on saturday, i just hope we stay friends cuz i'm trying to figure out where my life is heading now. So, point blank, i'm not sure how i feel, i'm more or less feeling like what i'm i gonna do now that i've thrown off somethig that hinders my growth in Christ.
I guess i'll figure it out. Of course, one thing i've been thinking about is the rebuttal of why do i hold one sin above others. i stil don't think i do. i mean no christian should consciously and purposely try to sin. All i can say to God is Scott's Krippayne song "Deeper still".

Freakin out the patient

Silly comment. was singing the song "great are you lord" not sure what the title is but i decided to listen to ktis and it starts to play at the same point i'm at in my head.

Anywho, i took a pt's BP and it was low. The person asked what will the next step be and i said, have you been drinking? and he says "NO. i have really drank anything today". He went on to ask what can be done to bring the BP up so i said, "they might put you on fluids to bring it up, i'm not sure." Looks like that freaked him out because right there at that moment, he asks me to pass him his bottle of 7-up he was had been sipping at since afternoon, it's 11pm and the thing is more than half full. I go do my other signs and when came down the hallway and peek into this person room, he's done drinking the 7-up, he's gotten some juice from the fridge and he has a pitcher of water with cups right in front of him.
Thing i'm wondering now is, is he just trying to drink to raise his BP up or is he afraid of being attached to an IV again? i kinda feel bad cuz i prolly shouldn't have said what i said but on the other hand, let's mind the language. What i said was "they might", i didn't say "they will"

oh, just found out the song title is "Great are you" time and again, i've heard the artiste is Downhere and it seems that hasn't registered in my head cuz whenever i hear it's downhere i'm surprised.

songmania

i loved KTIS when i lived in minnesota cuz they seem to have every christian music in their collection. Songs that have really touched me this week or the once that have gotten into my mind like crazy include

• Psalm 40 by newsong
• Promise of a lifetime by kutless
• Bless the broken road by Selah
• Every time i breathe by big daddy weave ( i love big daddy weave)

There are 2 or so songs whose titles i don't know so that sux. maybe i forgot some others but these are the once i can think of now. I like to sing psalm 40 and every time i breathe. i like the latter cuz it applies to me. that's it for now

The choice of life and death.

Yesterday was a moody day for me. I started out with a headache at 3am, being a little impatient if not a little disrespectful to my mom. I cried between 2 and 3pm and spent the rest of the day worried. Not like i'm still worried, cuz my mom is not well, among other things.
I'm not sure if that is the cause of me shopping for bibles like crazy but i've bought 2 pocket bibles between yesterday and today. i don't really need any of them, i just bought them for the design. Maybe i need one of them but now i feel like i have to return one n since i used a 30% coupon for both of them, i'm not sure if it's a really good idea. i'm thinking of giving on to someone else. I'm thinking to give to a guy but the niv is soo classy it almost looks like a woman's bible. it isn't but i'm just saying it looks like it.

Oh, so i'm gonna try reading my bible each day. it's been mountains and valleys for me. I mean my walk with Christ. Honestly, i wish it's just mountains but that isn't how life works. I start to read my bible and live according to it and there comes the devil. Anyway, i know i'm never giving up on following Christ so i guess it's gonna be a battle and i've realized i'm willing to fight it. I think after doing this uphill and downhill thing with Christianity, searching for God and falling when you've reached somepoint, there comes a time when you really know what Christianity is and what being in the world is and you get to choose.

There thing is when you've tasted and seen how walking with God is, it is almost impossible to chose to live in this world even though you see how you've fallen and gotten far from God. I say almost because it will take a great fool to choose the world. I mean a fool who sees God's goodness and the wonderful life offered by Christ and yet, chooses the world know very well that he is not only damned forever but life from now on will be wretched. For me, my choice wasn't really soo much about weighing the consequences but i realized my life is much better with Christ and if you look at what this world has to offer, you are looking at nothing good, yet, i wonder why keep living according to the world?! Beats me. I think the more you keep falling and picking yourself back up to walk with God, the more you get to see what christianity is about and you understand it better. It's not about church going. There's a HUGE difference between a church-goer and a Christian. The only thing they have in common is tat they go to church but otherwise, they are completely two different things. It's one thing the world does not know and hence, if half of the girls a non-christian sleeps with are "church-goers" who call themselves christians and he meets you and you tell'im you don't do pre-marital sex, the person will tell you, well half of the girls i've slept with are christians. That is when i point out there's a huge a difference between a person who goes to church and calls themself a christian and person who actually lives as christian.

So, enough of that. Life is a mystery itself. Listening to KTIS two days ago, i heard about the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis. I did think about those who went down with it but a silly part of me thought about how sorta nice it is that i've been over that bridge and seen the river. I think i had a picture of bridge except i don't know where it is. Anywho, my heart and prayers go to the family of those who lost their loved ones. I'm glad the toll was way less though it would have been better if there were just a few injured people instead of dead ones. I wonder if anyone thought that morning when they drove to work that they'll die with that bridge collapse. i also wonder what those who had driven over that bridge an hour or 30minutes earlier before the collapse say about how they'd missed that tragic incident. The last time that bridge was inpected was 3 years ago. Maybe, this is will teach us to inpect bridges at least every year if not every 6months. you never know what can happen!

Filling up 'em holes.

So i've been mia for a little while. i usually intend to blog but for some reason i fail to do so. I just realized the reason why i fail to blog, lies between "do i get time time to sit down at work" & "am i just lazy to log in." Which is which, i'm not sure.
Anyway, so just an update about my guy who was all out of it the night and crying. He totally forgot who i was the next day. So i guess i was right about it being a moment of desperation thing. I have a feeling i already did an update about him but anyway, he isn't here anymore so God knows if he died.
The other guy who i was told was supposed to have died the tuesday before the wednesday i came to work 2 or 3 weeks ago ( does this make sense?) finally died last thursday morning or so. It's sorta funny i tend to miss these things. They usually go when i'm not here. So the two people who wer supposed to die did die, but the one who was not really expecting to go early did go way early, and the one who was supposed to go early, held on for the longest time. Funny huh?! Life is never what we expect it to be. Another interesting things is that they both died the morning on the night when i work.
Oh, and i had a patient who was trying to convert me to Bhudhism. Huh?! I wanted to go listen up dude, i'm not passing christian literatures or forcing you to pray instead of chant so don't try to force your belief down my throat. Come to think of it, if i had been passing christian literatures or saying something christian, i'm sure 'they' will be down my throat. The American society is soo anti-christian today but the reason why you don't really notice it is that it's in a subtle way. You don't have people going to other homes or churches and flogging christians but i still think it's more anti-christian than those places where they flogg christians. Think about it. Anyway, that's work for ya.

On the personal side of life, i was supposed to go tubing on sunday. Guess what? it rained. That's philly. I forgot what i did on sunday? i prolly ate ice cream. Oh, i've been eating lots of ice cream and i've come to the conclusion that the only thing that should be called ice cream is Haggen-daz. Ben and jerry's is just ok. Edy's i think is terrible in the sense that the pathmark ice cream tastes a lot better than it and other store brand ones taste better than it.

Today i slept. from 8am till some time after 5:30pm. I was soooo pooped out last nite at work i just couldn't hold on early. I've been sorta lazy with the AAT thingamajig and i realize i need to get on with it as well as get out of my laziness and work for VMU. Funny thing is vmu started ranking, good thing is that i got a new line and the best part is that it's GR. YAY!! if only i could grab them hours on SP, i wouldn't care so much about VMU.

Lastly, my teeth. Bloody thing hurts like crazy. i called penn dental school and the only appointment is not till october. What?! if i want a root canal, i may have to wait for them. If i decide to go for an extraction, i guess i can have anyone in africa do it for me. Well, not anyone but you get it right!
So, i don't know what lies ahead in the coming week but i have bad news to break to someone, an exam to take, drexel to evaluate my A&P thingy, VMU to work for and an app to take care of and the AAT. I need to get serious with that last one.
Anywho, that's my life as it is now.

follow up

So about my dude who was crying out desperately last night.
I saw his kids today. 3 boys and i also saw his wife. Now i understand why the guy was worried. It's a little depressing to see the little boy, he looks like he should be less than 8, he looks like a six-year-old but yeah, it's kinda interesting to see all 3 of them walk around the floor, the youngest and the middle one seen to roll together though the eldest tags along sometime. Just saw them leave and i'm thinking, poor lady, having to raise 3 boys by herself, now that is a challenge and a full time job.

When another life cries out to you.

I picked up a patient at 11 last night. just did vitals, vanished then resurfaced at 3am to do the vitals again. I was gonna wait till 3:30 to start the vitals but maybe it's good i started at 3. As i went into the room to do what i had to do, i figured t'was important to cover the guy up cuz he was quite exposed. Well, that sorta woke him up and he started mumbling some stuff about trade and manufactuing and goods and fair trade and broker companies and china and what not.
I thought this was the rumblings of a person who is probably AAO x3 so i really wasn't paying attention but i kept nodding and gave a concerned look like you are taught to do in school. Thing is i'd just spent an hour eating post midnight lunch while talking to the missy on S9 all the time while i ate so after standing and listening to this guy for 5minutes, i sorta felt like i was either gonna throw up or pass out. I kept feeling like i needed someone to come bail me out of the room and so i tried to tell the patient to go back to sleep.
Well, he goes i just want you to listen to what i have to say and then i'll tell you why i wanted you to listen to it. So he started talking bout fair trade but he lost me somewhere between that till he started saying something about how cancer is a double war because not only does the patient have to battle with cancer, they also have to battle with chemotherapy. Then he broke down and started talking bout how he's been good all his life but then he goes on to cry "i'm not sure if i was sincere" The tear that flowed from his eyes brought tears into mine. But i tried to hold back because i don't think it's right to cry in front of a patient
That was when i realized that the nausea i was feeling earlier had dissappeared and instead, my heart was going out to this desperate patient who lay before me, crying and puring out his heart to me. He talked about his sons, he has a little 8 year old and he prayed God takes care of him. He talked of his wife, he mentioned how his whole family is in turmoil about his diagonosis with cancer. Well, i'm not a gambler but i'll bet they are.
There was one thing he said that really made me admire him. He said something along the lines of "Christ bring us the "fill in the blank with whatever word that translates into calamity" to show us the courage we have to overcome. And in all this, i have never at one point said "why me" or why not him or why not the one there. Instead, i thank God it is not my brother, it is me" I know i would personally ask the why me question, God forgive me but i'm just being honest.
Tears came to my eyes and trickled down my face. The emotion in this man's voice was so great and honest and before me i saw someone hit by calamity and crying desperately for help, soemhow denying it, and trying to think over his life, trying to do something good while he was still leaving.
he wanted me to leave my number, he wanted to help me whether with education or whatever. But here's what i thought: i'm not gonna take advantage of a dying man, well, i'm not pronouncing his death but some type of cancers have poor prognosis. I also thought i wasn't sure if he was in his right mind. He really did say a lot of things i cannot write down. I think he was in his right mind as in he's not nutz but i will judge him incompetent based on situation. At least that is not what i thought when i was in the room but now that i'm out and have had time to sit and ruminate about it, part of me wonders if he was offering to help as a bargain with God. Let's face it, people make rush vows to God in the face of what they think it's their end. Martin luther got caught in the storm and next thing we know, he made a rash vow and had to become a monk.
Honestly, i'm not sure what i think about it anymore but here's what i did, the guy reached out his hands to me, and i reached mine out to him and he prayed, for his family, and for mine as well as my friends. I said Amen and he got all hyped cuz he's done with his chemotherapy. I've seen sad things working in oncology and i've never really had anything bring tears to my eyes.
My hear really do go out to this gentleman, i know he's depressed and it's very sad to see desperation, anguish and sadness in a person eyes and look on helplessly. Another life cries out to you and there so little you can do except for being there for them and reassuring them.
All i could say when i came out was CANCER REALLY SUCKS!!!

Pissed.

For some unknown reason, i look pissed. I'm not pissed...well, i don't think i am....maybe i am, i'm not sure. But the thing is i'm acting like i am....if i am, then what is really getting me so pissed off? Flat out answer is dunno. I thought i got enough sleep to come to work but maybe i'm wrong...i don't think it has to do with being at work. I guess i have the rest of the night to figure out the why. Till then, i hope to keep my cool.

Patients!

Here's all i got to say: Patients kiss ass. I mean they start saying yes sir when a person comes to teh bedside and states i'm the doc. lol...is it a surprise everyone tries to wear to white coat? The only funny part to it is the ignorance on the part of patients when it comes to healthcare professionals...that is what hurts them.

Dying patients

Dying patients vary. Well, they're all dying but there are subtle differences that can actually stand out enough to look like a significant one.


So, dying patient #1 is the one who you got told was supposed to die yesterday but for some reason, he's still alive. What makes doctors think they can decide when a person is going to die but anyway, that is not the focus of this blog. Anyway, the dude's family is here, laughing with him, poor guy's dad just died but yeah, that's what drinking beer does to you - it destroys your kidneys and make you edematous to such a point where your scrotum is larger than a three-year-old's head...no kidding!

dying patient #2 is someone who just became a DNRA. You've known this person for couple of months and you've never really seen any family...it could possibly be that you it's because you work night shift. Either ways, today becomes the day when an ex-wife calls and tells you "we've become closer now than we were when we were married. Can you do me a favor? my son is gonna go off to college and i need a will, it's not going to be long but i'll need 3 people to witness it." Well, tell the ex-wife we have a code on the floor and the next thing you'll hear will be "I'm soo far away i can't come there so can you please do me call me later and i'll tell you what to write."
Huh?! i didn't expect americans to be the kind that like to profit from dead but then, human beings are more alike than they are different.
Don't ask me how the conversation with the lady went but i thought that was absolutely atrocious.

When things hit rock bottom

So, i come to get an accucheck machine and this lady walks towards me with this panicky face and wringling her hands saying, "get help, he's not responding, my son is in there." For 3seconds, i thought the son was the one with the problem so i notify someone else and it's the actual patient who they just rolled in and i know 5minutes earlier, i was saying she looked good.
There's really nothing like seeing your loved one crash on you. I'd never thought of how it'll be in front of a daughter and grandson but now i think i know just a little jist of it.

All i know is that seeing everyone rush there, seeing the mom pull his son, (the pateint's grandson) away, holding each other and trying to call everyone on the cell phone sends shivers down the spine. At least, my eyes teared up for 2seconds and then i left the scene. it's the moment when you watch a family soo scared of losing a loved one, seeing a patient being stripped, and hearing the intern walk in and ask, who's the attending. What the bloody ****! Tehre was one attending there, and there was another intern there so why the **** do we need to know which medical team the poor bloke is on. That part of the intern trying to say something made me want to know, the guy is coding like hell, let's get him somewhere and we can think of asking which team the bloke is on.
Anyway, poor dude got wheeled to the CCU, daughter just thanked me, gosh, what'd i do...oh... well, i really do wish them the best.

White lab coats

As i walked into the hospital today, wait. As i rushed through the hospital, i saw labcoats, actually, it started while waiting for the shuttle at hahnemann. Two nursing students, one wearing the drexel yellow and blue with the white coat and the other trying to look like a wannabe doc had changed into regular stuff with her white coat. Walking into the hospital, i saw worse stuff downstairs and then when i got on the floor, i saw 2 phleb ladies wearing the white coat as well.
Well, a patient crashes, so there comes pharmacy with the white coat, respiratory therapist wearing a white coat, honestly, EVERYONE wears a white coat. The only way i tell doctors now is the look for the person dressed professionally without the white coat. If a doc is wearing a lab coat, it's probably the intern who just came and i'm thinking they want people to identify them as docs but i don't it's pretty helpful cuz everyone wears a lab coat.

Anyway i was gonna save the white coat thing for later but here's one thing i'm pondering about: If doctors, i mean M.Ds had to start wearing a blue lab coats instead of the the white ones, what is the probability that everyone else is gonna start wearing blue coats?
Interesting, huh?

What cancer can do to a female

Here's what cancer can do to a female: You see a patient being carted down the floor. This bald patient has a mask on, is covered by a sheet to the abdomen, looks at you as the get wheeled to the floor and you go "this guy looks familiar." Well, the nurse comes and says, "hi can i call you linda?" OOPS!, i thought it was a man.
So yeah, thanks to the alopecia that comes with all the chemotherapy, a woman gets stripped of the element that is significant in her natural beauty and that, makes her indistinguishable from a man.

Medical Lunacy

Medicine is trial and error. You read the signs, try to fit it to a disease and treat it. Sometimes, you just treat the symptoms and sometimes you don't.
Here's one thing that is ludicrous. Patient's last bowel movement was 4days ago. The doctor puts in an order for lactulose whatever crazy dose it is to be administered q2hrs. So the nurse keeps giving it to the patient q2hrs and the poor patient takes it because they trusts the doctors knowledge, which they should, well...most of the time. Anyway, at 1am, that is when the patient starts pooping continously so that even when you change the sheet, she spills out something in less than 5 minute, and when i say less than 5minutes, i mean it in every sense of the word.
The patient keeps saying i don't know what is causing this and the nurse says nothing. She keeps going i don't know what is causing this and again, neither the doc nor the intern say anything.
Well, i say something about the lactulose but of course it's to the nurse.
Here's something i don't understand.... Why was the patient put on the thing q2hrs, and when the patient kept complaining of stomach upset, she still kept getting the lactulose. But why am i questioning? i'm questioning an authority that orders oxygen for a patient who's pulse ox is 98-99% on room air. Hmmmm, that one, i just stood there with my mouth open, and my brain wondering before i said to the nurse, "did she tell you why she's putting her on the oxygen?"

well, that part does not bother me...the real lunacy is in the luctulose cuz for the rest of the night, it's not the one who puts in the order who has to clean @ss all night, it's the one who implements the order. Welcome to nursing.

Oncology nursing

Cancer sucks!!! Each day, i see people who fight this terrible disease. Sometimes, i wonder if its worth it. At other times, i think it is. The times i question if it's worth it is when i don't know what the docs are aiming for and i feel the patient is being drained of their last bit of life they have. Sometimes, it looks like a trial and error thing.

People think of AIDS as the most terrible disease. I think Cancer is worse. And in view of that, i respect all those who fight the disease because i know it's worth fighting, even if you lose in the end, you can still say, you fought a good fight. The truth is, some people fight cancer and win. So yeah, is it worth fighting even if it looks as if you're losing? Absolutely! Because you never know what a day may bring forth. I believe there's always hope even if you don't see it.

I admire every patient i've come across here. While i grief with the families of those who fought and loss, i do admire those who lost the battle because to me, they are great warriors, they fought and held on till the end where everything they had, and everything they did not have, just could not stand anymore.

Most of the stuff you hear is a patient dying on the night you did not work and oh, there are those who do die, on your shift.Sometimes, you wonder what you can do. At other times, you look and tell yourself there's nothing you could have done. You look for a day when you can hear something better than someone crashing and being sent to the ICU or hearing that the person who was walking around perfectly the previous night when you were working, actually passed away 6 hours after you left.

Well, Once in a while you do. And when you do, it sounds more like you are the one who's heard the good news. You become excited first and go, oh i'm sure the patient is also excited. Then you think of the first time you met the patient, how anxious they were about their diagnosis, your first impression of them as some anxious impatient person, and then you also think of how over the weeks or months, you've grown to known the person, stood by their side as they fought tirelessly with a strength they did not have, and you think of how that first impression has changed over the course of time now and how you've become good buddies. You suddenly realise all they need now is for their counts to come up so they can go home. It brings tears to your eyes. i'm not sure if they're tears of joy because i don't know how i feel. But they definately are good tears. You are happy for the patient and you are also happy that they are cancer free, at least for now. You pray and hope nothing shows up again. So, I heard a patients bone marrow bx came back clear. Good news, huh? You bet it is.

Welcome to oncology nursing. It's different, it can be sad and it can be fun. It can be relaxing, and it can also be hectic. The patients are different - they are the kind that use the energy and breath they do not have to say "thank you" for the least thing you do for them. And there is another difference to it i cannot describe. That, is what makes it special. I'm still a student and finding my way way around but i'm confident to say it's a special kind of nursing to get into.

faces of the moon.

Every one says i'm quiet lately. The only thing about this comment is that i'm starting to question what makes them say that.
Off course there's been a lot going on. I've been super lazy since school ended in march. All i do is my 3nights at 34th and i watch all the tv shows when i'm home, or sleep or walk downtown.
Now that i got vm under my belt, dubya is switching from ic's to employees. And add on being lazy to work on the @¢¢*nt thingamajig, studying for nc!*x and 488, and wondering if i need to add on a 2nd major just in case drexel decides to screw me up with the A&P, i guess i have a lot on my mind.
And also, everyone is used to seeing me chirpy all the time so that if i stay quiet for 2seconds, it becomes what's wrong?
oh...well, looks like i have a lot on my plate. Kyrie Eleison

Long time

usual drexel stress. from the last post, i guess i was right. i did dig up a fire that should have died 2 years ago and i ended up walking on burning hot coals. Trust me, it burns and if i was smart enough, i should have changed my fon # the after mlk day. All behavior has meaning.
Here's the beauty of the week, i have someone tell me they wanted to kill themselve tuesday and in telling a friend at the hospital, an instructor overhead me and guess who is being quized to give out the name? Yours truly. Welcome to the 'D' in Drexel - it stands for Depression.

mlk day

Guess who i went out with today?
I think i just dug up a dying fire or i decided to walk on coal thinking i'll come out with my feet cold. Either way, all behavior has meaning. what's the meaning behind mine? I'm i trying to find something i'm not trying to find?!
for now, i'm not sure and i wouldn't want to do this now.

The D in Drexel

Did i say it stands for depression?
It really is. Seriously, no one at the college of nursing cares what happens to you. All they want is that you take a required set of classes at a specific time. How it clashes with other classes, they don't care.
So i have a class from 8am till 11:50 at cc campus and i have a class at 12:00 to 1:50pm at main campus. then i have a class at cc at 2pm till 3:20p. Shall i say the teacher does not stopping even when its 11:50 she keeps talking. the shuttle leaves at 12:00, then u have to wak about 10min if you walk as fast as you can to curtis. then the shuttle leaves at 2:15 so automatically, i'm going to miss at least 50 - 70% of my pm class since on wednesday she plans to make us leave at 3pm.
I speak to one teacher who tells me to get wings and fly between the 2 campuses.
I speak to my advisor, and that was a complete waste of my time. Honestly, i could have used the time i spent talking to her sleeping. And to say the truth, i could have done a lot better than sleeping cuz all i got from talking to her was frustration and depressing news.
I thought a friend was foolish for dropping out early last year. Now i question who the fool is? me who stayed in taking all the crap till now when i can't take it or her, who transferred in the beginning and her peace of mind.
Oh...talking about those out of the program, i had a dear friend drop out. What's up with this policy of failing 3 classes and being kicked out of the program.?

Deal of the day

I got a 2 sharpie at kmart for just 79¢ ( i mean the total cost was $0.79). I know cvs had it for $2.19 and i almost bought it till i thought it is ludicrous to pay $2.19 for a common sharpie.

So here is the pretty thing on the side. And i only needed one but if 2 came for 79¢, tell me that is not a deal!

My new neighbors

Yesterday when i went down to make some dinner, i decided to check the mail. Also, i thought i felt something like people moving in next door and Chase hadn't said anything about seeing people move in next door so i just wanted to find out for myself.
As i opened the door to look at the mail box for mail, right across from my face was a guy in black, i think he had black makeup around his eyes and some wierd hairstyle, i mean the one you tend to see around people who do heavy metal rock song and wican or whatever.... My first thought was "OMG, we are going to have rock songs going on at nite when i'm sleeping." I don't mean to stereotype but for the luv of whatever i could think of, this is philly, people are either into arts, or vegans, or queer, or music or whatever....you have everything in philly so u can guess sometimes.
Well, deep inside i prayed my fears wouldn't come true. Oh well, tonite, its 9:30 sunday, i think they are mostly done moving in but i heard something like a loud piano and some rock music while working and all i could think off was Lord have mercy, i've got to move. This totally sux. i really do not plan to move and i've invested so much in this place. I hope to God they aren't the crazy neighbors.
I really mean no harm, neither do i have bad thoughts or anything but for the pete's sake, why couldn't we have a nice quiet chinese family like the ones at the first house, or better still, just anyone that would be peaceful and give their neighbors some peace of mind. God forgive me if what i've said is wrong but i really mean no harm...i just like my sleep and i would like neighbors who don't disturb my peace just as i don't disturb their peace.
The truth is the answer of the tongue is from God so i'm just going to pray they are not as crazy as i thing they are.