Filling up 'em holes.

So i've been mia for a little while. i usually intend to blog but for some reason i fail to do so. I just realized the reason why i fail to blog, lies between "do i get time time to sit down at work" & "am i just lazy to log in." Which is which, i'm not sure.
Anyway, so just an update about my guy who was all out of it the night and crying. He totally forgot who i was the next day. So i guess i was right about it being a moment of desperation thing. I have a feeling i already did an update about him but anyway, he isn't here anymore so God knows if he died.
The other guy who i was told was supposed to have died the tuesday before the wednesday i came to work 2 or 3 weeks ago ( does this make sense?) finally died last thursday morning or so. It's sorta funny i tend to miss these things. They usually go when i'm not here. So the two people who wer supposed to die did die, but the one who was not really expecting to go early did go way early, and the one who was supposed to go early, held on for the longest time. Funny huh?! Life is never what we expect it to be. Another interesting things is that they both died the morning on the night when i work.
Oh, and i had a patient who was trying to convert me to Bhudhism. Huh?! I wanted to go listen up dude, i'm not passing christian literatures or forcing you to pray instead of chant so don't try to force your belief down my throat. Come to think of it, if i had been passing christian literatures or saying something christian, i'm sure 'they' will be down my throat. The American society is soo anti-christian today but the reason why you don't really notice it is that it's in a subtle way. You don't have people going to other homes or churches and flogging christians but i still think it's more anti-christian than those places where they flogg christians. Think about it. Anyway, that's work for ya.

On the personal side of life, i was supposed to go tubing on sunday. Guess what? it rained. That's philly. I forgot what i did on sunday? i prolly ate ice cream. Oh, i've been eating lots of ice cream and i've come to the conclusion that the only thing that should be called ice cream is Haggen-daz. Ben and jerry's is just ok. Edy's i think is terrible in the sense that the pathmark ice cream tastes a lot better than it and other store brand ones taste better than it.

Today i slept. from 8am till some time after 5:30pm. I was soooo pooped out last nite at work i just couldn't hold on early. I've been sorta lazy with the AAT thingamajig and i realize i need to get on with it as well as get out of my laziness and work for VMU. Funny thing is vmu started ranking, good thing is that i got a new line and the best part is that it's GR. YAY!! if only i could grab them hours on SP, i wouldn't care so much about VMU.

Lastly, my teeth. Bloody thing hurts like crazy. i called penn dental school and the only appointment is not till october. What?! if i want a root canal, i may have to wait for them. If i decide to go for an extraction, i guess i can have anyone in africa do it for me. Well, not anyone but you get it right!
So, i don't know what lies ahead in the coming week but i have bad news to break to someone, an exam to take, drexel to evaluate my A&P thingy, VMU to work for and an app to take care of and the AAT. I need to get serious with that last one.
Anywho, that's my life as it is now.

follow up

So about my dude who was crying out desperately last night.
I saw his kids today. 3 boys and i also saw his wife. Now i understand why the guy was worried. It's a little depressing to see the little boy, he looks like he should be less than 8, he looks like a six-year-old but yeah, it's kinda interesting to see all 3 of them walk around the floor, the youngest and the middle one seen to roll together though the eldest tags along sometime. Just saw them leave and i'm thinking, poor lady, having to raise 3 boys by herself, now that is a challenge and a full time job.

When another life cries out to you.

I picked up a patient at 11 last night. just did vitals, vanished then resurfaced at 3am to do the vitals again. I was gonna wait till 3:30 to start the vitals but maybe it's good i started at 3. As i went into the room to do what i had to do, i figured t'was important to cover the guy up cuz he was quite exposed. Well, that sorta woke him up and he started mumbling some stuff about trade and manufactuing and goods and fair trade and broker companies and china and what not.
I thought this was the rumblings of a person who is probably AAO x3 so i really wasn't paying attention but i kept nodding and gave a concerned look like you are taught to do in school. Thing is i'd just spent an hour eating post midnight lunch while talking to the missy on S9 all the time while i ate so after standing and listening to this guy for 5minutes, i sorta felt like i was either gonna throw up or pass out. I kept feeling like i needed someone to come bail me out of the room and so i tried to tell the patient to go back to sleep.
Well, he goes i just want you to listen to what i have to say and then i'll tell you why i wanted you to listen to it. So he started talking bout fair trade but he lost me somewhere between that till he started saying something about how cancer is a double war because not only does the patient have to battle with cancer, they also have to battle with chemotherapy. Then he broke down and started talking bout how he's been good all his life but then he goes on to cry "i'm not sure if i was sincere" The tear that flowed from his eyes brought tears into mine. But i tried to hold back because i don't think it's right to cry in front of a patient
That was when i realized that the nausea i was feeling earlier had dissappeared and instead, my heart was going out to this desperate patient who lay before me, crying and puring out his heart to me. He talked about his sons, he has a little 8 year old and he prayed God takes care of him. He talked of his wife, he mentioned how his whole family is in turmoil about his diagonosis with cancer. Well, i'm not a gambler but i'll bet they are.
There was one thing he said that really made me admire him. He said something along the lines of "Christ bring us the "fill in the blank with whatever word that translates into calamity" to show us the courage we have to overcome. And in all this, i have never at one point said "why me" or why not him or why not the one there. Instead, i thank God it is not my brother, it is me" I know i would personally ask the why me question, God forgive me but i'm just being honest.
Tears came to my eyes and trickled down my face. The emotion in this man's voice was so great and honest and before me i saw someone hit by calamity and crying desperately for help, soemhow denying it, and trying to think over his life, trying to do something good while he was still leaving.
he wanted me to leave my number, he wanted to help me whether with education or whatever. But here's what i thought: i'm not gonna take advantage of a dying man, well, i'm not pronouncing his death but some type of cancers have poor prognosis. I also thought i wasn't sure if he was in his right mind. He really did say a lot of things i cannot write down. I think he was in his right mind as in he's not nutz but i will judge him incompetent based on situation. At least that is not what i thought when i was in the room but now that i'm out and have had time to sit and ruminate about it, part of me wonders if he was offering to help as a bargain with God. Let's face it, people make rush vows to God in the face of what they think it's their end. Martin luther got caught in the storm and next thing we know, he made a rash vow and had to become a monk.
Honestly, i'm not sure what i think about it anymore but here's what i did, the guy reached out his hands to me, and i reached mine out to him and he prayed, for his family, and for mine as well as my friends. I said Amen and he got all hyped cuz he's done with his chemotherapy. I've seen sad things working in oncology and i've never really had anything bring tears to my eyes.
My hear really do go out to this gentleman, i know he's depressed and it's very sad to see desperation, anguish and sadness in a person eyes and look on helplessly. Another life cries out to you and there so little you can do except for being there for them and reassuring them.
All i could say when i came out was CANCER REALLY SUCKS!!!

Pissed.

For some unknown reason, i look pissed. I'm not pissed...well, i don't think i am....maybe i am, i'm not sure. But the thing is i'm acting like i am....if i am, then what is really getting me so pissed off? Flat out answer is dunno. I thought i got enough sleep to come to work but maybe i'm wrong...i don't think it has to do with being at work. I guess i have the rest of the night to figure out the why. Till then, i hope to keep my cool.

Patients!

Here's all i got to say: Patients kiss ass. I mean they start saying yes sir when a person comes to teh bedside and states i'm the doc. lol...is it a surprise everyone tries to wear to white coat? The only funny part to it is the ignorance on the part of patients when it comes to healthcare professionals...that is what hurts them.

Dying patients

Dying patients vary. Well, they're all dying but there are subtle differences that can actually stand out enough to look like a significant one.


So, dying patient #1 is the one who you got told was supposed to die yesterday but for some reason, he's still alive. What makes doctors think they can decide when a person is going to die but anyway, that is not the focus of this blog. Anyway, the dude's family is here, laughing with him, poor guy's dad just died but yeah, that's what drinking beer does to you - it destroys your kidneys and make you edematous to such a point where your scrotum is larger than a three-year-old's head...no kidding!

dying patient #2 is someone who just became a DNRA. You've known this person for couple of months and you've never really seen any family...it could possibly be that you it's because you work night shift. Either ways, today becomes the day when an ex-wife calls and tells you "we've become closer now than we were when we were married. Can you do me a favor? my son is gonna go off to college and i need a will, it's not going to be long but i'll need 3 people to witness it." Well, tell the ex-wife we have a code on the floor and the next thing you'll hear will be "I'm soo far away i can't come there so can you please do me call me later and i'll tell you what to write."
Huh?! i didn't expect americans to be the kind that like to profit from dead but then, human beings are more alike than they are different.
Don't ask me how the conversation with the lady went but i thought that was absolutely atrocious.

When things hit rock bottom

So, i come to get an accucheck machine and this lady walks towards me with this panicky face and wringling her hands saying, "get help, he's not responding, my son is in there." For 3seconds, i thought the son was the one with the problem so i notify someone else and it's the actual patient who they just rolled in and i know 5minutes earlier, i was saying she looked good.
There's really nothing like seeing your loved one crash on you. I'd never thought of how it'll be in front of a daughter and grandson but now i think i know just a little jist of it.

All i know is that seeing everyone rush there, seeing the mom pull his son, (the pateint's grandson) away, holding each other and trying to call everyone on the cell phone sends shivers down the spine. At least, my eyes teared up for 2seconds and then i left the scene. it's the moment when you watch a family soo scared of losing a loved one, seeing a patient being stripped, and hearing the intern walk in and ask, who's the attending. What the bloody ****! Tehre was one attending there, and there was another intern there so why the **** do we need to know which medical team the poor bloke is on. That part of the intern trying to say something made me want to know, the guy is coding like hell, let's get him somewhere and we can think of asking which team the bloke is on.
Anyway, poor dude got wheeled to the CCU, daughter just thanked me, gosh, what'd i do...oh... well, i really do wish them the best.

White lab coats

As i walked into the hospital today, wait. As i rushed through the hospital, i saw labcoats, actually, it started while waiting for the shuttle at hahnemann. Two nursing students, one wearing the drexel yellow and blue with the white coat and the other trying to look like a wannabe doc had changed into regular stuff with her white coat. Walking into the hospital, i saw worse stuff downstairs and then when i got on the floor, i saw 2 phleb ladies wearing the white coat as well.
Well, a patient crashes, so there comes pharmacy with the white coat, respiratory therapist wearing a white coat, honestly, EVERYONE wears a white coat. The only way i tell doctors now is the look for the person dressed professionally without the white coat. If a doc is wearing a lab coat, it's probably the intern who just came and i'm thinking they want people to identify them as docs but i don't it's pretty helpful cuz everyone wears a lab coat.

Anyway i was gonna save the white coat thing for later but here's one thing i'm pondering about: If doctors, i mean M.Ds had to start wearing a blue lab coats instead of the the white ones, what is the probability that everyone else is gonna start wearing blue coats?
Interesting, huh?

What cancer can do to a female

Here's what cancer can do to a female: You see a patient being carted down the floor. This bald patient has a mask on, is covered by a sheet to the abdomen, looks at you as the get wheeled to the floor and you go "this guy looks familiar." Well, the nurse comes and says, "hi can i call you linda?" OOPS!, i thought it was a man.
So yeah, thanks to the alopecia that comes with all the chemotherapy, a woman gets stripped of the element that is significant in her natural beauty and that, makes her indistinguishable from a man.

Medical Lunacy

Medicine is trial and error. You read the signs, try to fit it to a disease and treat it. Sometimes, you just treat the symptoms and sometimes you don't.
Here's one thing that is ludicrous. Patient's last bowel movement was 4days ago. The doctor puts in an order for lactulose whatever crazy dose it is to be administered q2hrs. So the nurse keeps giving it to the patient q2hrs and the poor patient takes it because they trusts the doctors knowledge, which they should, well...most of the time. Anyway, at 1am, that is when the patient starts pooping continously so that even when you change the sheet, she spills out something in less than 5 minute, and when i say less than 5minutes, i mean it in every sense of the word.
The patient keeps saying i don't know what is causing this and the nurse says nothing. She keeps going i don't know what is causing this and again, neither the doc nor the intern say anything.
Well, i say something about the lactulose but of course it's to the nurse.
Here's something i don't understand.... Why was the patient put on the thing q2hrs, and when the patient kept complaining of stomach upset, she still kept getting the lactulose. But why am i questioning? i'm questioning an authority that orders oxygen for a patient who's pulse ox is 98-99% on room air. Hmmmm, that one, i just stood there with my mouth open, and my brain wondering before i said to the nurse, "did she tell you why she's putting her on the oxygen?"

well, that part does not bother me...the real lunacy is in the luctulose cuz for the rest of the night, it's not the one who puts in the order who has to clean @ss all night, it's the one who implements the order. Welcome to nursing.

Oncology nursing

Cancer sucks!!! Each day, i see people who fight this terrible disease. Sometimes, i wonder if its worth it. At other times, i think it is. The times i question if it's worth it is when i don't know what the docs are aiming for and i feel the patient is being drained of their last bit of life they have. Sometimes, it looks like a trial and error thing.

People think of AIDS as the most terrible disease. I think Cancer is worse. And in view of that, i respect all those who fight the disease because i know it's worth fighting, even if you lose in the end, you can still say, you fought a good fight. The truth is, some people fight cancer and win. So yeah, is it worth fighting even if it looks as if you're losing? Absolutely! Because you never know what a day may bring forth. I believe there's always hope even if you don't see it.

I admire every patient i've come across here. While i grief with the families of those who fought and loss, i do admire those who lost the battle because to me, they are great warriors, they fought and held on till the end where everything they had, and everything they did not have, just could not stand anymore.

Most of the stuff you hear is a patient dying on the night you did not work and oh, there are those who do die, on your shift.Sometimes, you wonder what you can do. At other times, you look and tell yourself there's nothing you could have done. You look for a day when you can hear something better than someone crashing and being sent to the ICU or hearing that the person who was walking around perfectly the previous night when you were working, actually passed away 6 hours after you left.

Well, Once in a while you do. And when you do, it sounds more like you are the one who's heard the good news. You become excited first and go, oh i'm sure the patient is also excited. Then you think of the first time you met the patient, how anxious they were about their diagnosis, your first impression of them as some anxious impatient person, and then you also think of how over the weeks or months, you've grown to known the person, stood by their side as they fought tirelessly with a strength they did not have, and you think of how that first impression has changed over the course of time now and how you've become good buddies. You suddenly realise all they need now is for their counts to come up so they can go home. It brings tears to your eyes. i'm not sure if they're tears of joy because i don't know how i feel. But they definately are good tears. You are happy for the patient and you are also happy that they are cancer free, at least for now. You pray and hope nothing shows up again. So, I heard a patients bone marrow bx came back clear. Good news, huh? You bet it is.

Welcome to oncology nursing. It's different, it can be sad and it can be fun. It can be relaxing, and it can also be hectic. The patients are different - they are the kind that use the energy and breath they do not have to say "thank you" for the least thing you do for them. And there is another difference to it i cannot describe. That, is what makes it special. I'm still a student and finding my way way around but i'm confident to say it's a special kind of nursing to get into.

faces of the moon.

Every one says i'm quiet lately. The only thing about this comment is that i'm starting to question what makes them say that.
Off course there's been a lot going on. I've been super lazy since school ended in march. All i do is my 3nights at 34th and i watch all the tv shows when i'm home, or sleep or walk downtown.
Now that i got vm under my belt, dubya is switching from ic's to employees. And add on being lazy to work on the @¢¢*nt thingamajig, studying for nc!*x and 488, and wondering if i need to add on a 2nd major just in case drexel decides to screw me up with the A&P, i guess i have a lot on my mind.
And also, everyone is used to seeing me chirpy all the time so that if i stay quiet for 2seconds, it becomes what's wrong?
oh...well, looks like i have a lot on my plate. Kyrie Eleison