Waiting

In reference to my last post, i did nail my requests to that cross on good friday and i'm still waiting and praying and waiting again.

another year again

I can't believe it's been more than a year. Soo much, soo, soo much happened last year that i cannot spill it all.
To sum it up, i went back to tie the knots and make a commitment to my future.
school kept me busy. Work is wel... work. I'm not a professional but a full time student with a job. I take it one day at a time. 12 is still crazy.
I finally found a church in maryland.
Wish i'd done more at drexel than i did but then again, my number 1 priority at that time was working.
For the first time in 10+ years i went to a good friday service. i can't remember the last time i went to one. Honestly can't remember. Maybe it's not been that long. i certainly hope so. but i nailed my thanks and requests to the cross. Seriously, i'm praying and hoping for the best of success this fall.
Right now, it's full time school and work and trying to study for well, what i call "running a marathon". It's not easy.
Will be hibernating this summer. God help me.
I pray come next year, my life will be different from what it is now. I'm sure i'll be right where i want to be or at least the beginning of where i should be. Can't wait.

Anyway, i love volunteering. Love, love love everything, the people, the atmosphere everything.
That said, i need to do some work for the ARC. Filled the app in january but never turned it in. Right now, i feel there's not just enough days in a week. i can't do it but hopefully i can in the summer.
Also, plans go ghana have been cancelled. No one can take a vacation between september and feb of next year. Change of plans. We'll see.

the year so far

So i haven't journaled since the year began. My life is as complicated as ever. I did go to new york last year just before the year ended. I did learn a lot last year and there's a lot more to learn.
It's been a one-of-a-kind journey trying to get my VSC. Between driving to philly to get transcripts from drexel, calling swesco in ghana, sending requests to neosho, going to the mbon, and the occasional discouragement and crying, it's been something i'll remember. I've prayed and prayed and last week i almost blamed A.B.A as being responsible for the delay though when i ruminated over the whole thing, it was the result of me and my procrastination.
Here's what i'm wondering, this whole 360 degree change came about when A.b.a said she'll be praying and we'll see results by the end of last week. Question i'm asking myself is, did my prayers and my cry matter? was ABA's prayer the only one that was heard? One thing i learned last year is that we don't have to be perfect for God to hear us. What was the difference between her prayers and mine.

I got notice that the VSC had been mailed and while i'm excited and thank God for that. I don't think i'm as excited as i thought i'd be. Maybe it's because i was confronted again with a complaint by a pt who claimed i didn't step into the room all night and that she wasn't given a bedpan when she wanted to go. at the time of that confrontation, i forgot the lady had a foley until i got home and thought about it. Question is, i've realized i'm happier when i don't have ortho patients. Not pushing pain meds is such a relief. I never thought i'd like working with pt's with diseases involving the liver and pancreas and i always said GI is never my thing but i've realized i like those hepatic abscess, pancreatic "blank" among other hepato/chole diagnosis. Today when my manager was talking to me, it sounds like she was threatening me with a disciplinary action and threatening to put me back to dayshift. Yeah, if she hadn't found out from esty about what was going on, she woulda treated me differently. Now she seems to think my life is tied to the hospital. We, I don't think so. So yeah, i've been asking can i endure the craziness on the floor, the lies and while i could take the attitude of caring less, i'm sick of those "talks". I keep telling myself i must endure. I think 12 is crazy, you've got patients you cannot please, its unlike any floors i've seen at HUP or Jeff. And to have a manager who says "the pt is always right" is ludicrous!
For now, i'll hold on and see where God takes me.

Mentality?

Yesterday at work, i had one of the techs, a black american, who was excited about the election outcome tell me "for the first time in my life i can be recognized as a united states citizen." I wanted to ask, up to this day, what have you considered yourself to be?, but i said nothing. She went on to say that "you people are the african-americans, i can't go to africa and hold my grandmothers hands". Agreed with the latter. This person also went ahead to say "see how many of our men are going to start walking with their pants pulled up." That i thought was silly. Was she trying to say that black american men walk with their pants pulled down because the president is white?
Today, i had a patient tell me "now, i know i can do certain things because all my life i thought there were things i couldn't be or certain things i can't do." Again, i listened while nodding. But i thought to myself, how does one man becoming a president tell you, another individual , what you can or cannot do? After analyzing the situation, i think it would have been possible for a Black person to be a president 4 years ago, or whenever. No one really stepped up to the stage. Six years ago, Marcia brought up the topic of having a black president and while she was for it, is she didn't think it was going to happen anytime soon. Her belief was that this country is mainly dominated by whites who wouldn't permit a black person to be president. Thing is, that statement makes the assumption that every white person is a racist, which isn't true.

I feel that given the right candidate, given a good campaign, people will choose who they seem right for the job, irrespective of the color of their skin. I think that's what happened here, a good campaign by candidate who the majority thought was right. No I really didn't support this campaign cuz the truth is, i have nothing at stake here. I do think the democratic presidential candidate did get a lot more attention from the media and i feel that was in part cuz he had the chance of being the first black president.

Anyway, my blog isn't about the campaigns or who won the election. This entry came about becausei was watching how what's his name on "raising the bar" tends to be tough on 'black teenagers'. I sorta didn't like him for that because it almost looked like he didn't like black teenagers who got involved with the law. I wondered if he thought everyone else should be like him. But today, i realized he's the kind who believes that if you really want something you'll get it. he believes that the resources are there except they aren't utilized. It kinda got me thinking, about how some black american's i've come across feel there are no opportunities for them. Some don't consider themselves citizens? Yet, there are Black africans who come into this country, don't consider things out of reach and become neurosurgeons, pharmacists with 10bedroom houses in jersey, you name it. There are Black African's who naturalize and call themselves US citizens. People from different countries come to colleges here because though they can't get federal aid, they know colleges, especially the private ones, have financial aid. Yet, there's a high likelihood that a Black american teenager would drop out of high school or just get a job after highschool because they don't see anything bright ahead or perhaps, they feel disadvantaged.
I think it's a mentality. It's what you think of yourself and your environment. How you perceive your environment affects how you act and react to it.
History has been made, it's nice to see that after everything from Martin luther king, jr and the civil rights movement, we've come to the age where the U.S has it's first Black president. I hope the views people hold about feeling they can now achieve something works out and brings out the best in the Black american community. Yes there are racists, after living in kansas, i can testify to that. Heck, there are some on the east coast as well and they aren't many. And even there are many, with God, one can always overcome.I do hope that mentality of they're hating, they're against goes down and i hope people see their citizenship and make full use of it. I know much isn't gonna change but i'll be watching.

Is lying heriditary?

Lots of things can be passed down from generation to generation. it has been said that irish are drunks, russians are blank, blanks are blanks and so forth.

But those are mostly stereotypes. Can certain traits like lying be passed on from one parent to child? Seriously, i tell lies, like every other person but one thing i try to work on is to tell the truth all the time. One thing i keep in the back of my mind is the fact that Solomon says "they Lord hates a lying tongue." So lying is a big BIGGIE for me. I hate it when people lie to me and i hate it when i lie to people.
The reason why i'm running is that my mom lies so much i'm not sure if she knows she's lying. Actually, i think she tell tales - half lies. so it's so mixed with the truth it's hard to tell the difference.
I have to come back and blog about graduating and blah, blah, blah! but for now, i'm hungry and i need to eat.
peace out!!!

Duchenne Muscular dystrophy: a lesson learned.

These past 2 nights working, i had a pt with trach on a vent. First night at work i heard he had 2 baths ordered and the nurse who was signing did the first bath before dayshift ended and i heard her mention how dead skin on the patient looked like huge moles. i can still picture her demonstrate how big they were and i thought "gross."
I didn't know what the patient's diagnosis was, i thought he was younger than he was and his mom was at the bedside. All night she was there, comforting him, and the he was anxious and kept calling her all the time.
One of the things i thought of after working friday was why the guy was on a vent. i'd seen his hands that night and he has contractures. His figures are just curled in a fixed position. Getting his blood sugar is a whole different story. God forgive me but i thought he was someone who'd come of an accident with a spinal cord injury and looking at his mouth, i thought maybe he uses meth or something. May God help each and everyone of us to overcome our judgemental attitude.
Anyway, last night when i worked, i checked the charge report somewhere in the morning and realized the boy had Duchenne muscular dystrophy. He was 34yrs old. I think i checked because i'd heard the nurse saying his mom has been dealing with this for 30years and i know when we went to the room, he told the patient he'd like to have his mom.
Reading that charge report changed my attitude. How awful of me to have thought what i did! I thought of the disease process and remembered it's practically progressive muscle weakness and i thought of allt he stuff like gowers sign among the rest. How hard it must be for that mother of his and...him, the patient!
Earlier on i'd been thinking oh, why put someone on a vent when they are going to die, why put them through the pain. However, i changed my line of thought when i was walking home from the hospital.
I thought of how hard it must have been for the patient. Last night i realized he kept calling his mom when i came in because he was scared, he needed someone who could comfort him, like his mom. I realized he was a nice person, he really can't talk much with the trach but he makes sounds you can understand. I thought of how hard it must be to grow up and then at some point in your childhood, have progressive muslce weakness that prevents you from having a normal childhood like other children. How scary it must be! You get to be in a wheelchair so early you don't even get to go on a prom or a date. And how scary it must be when the respiratory system gets affected and have to rely on a ventilator to breath. I realized that must be quite scary, and hard on both a person and the parent. I thought the mom is a little "ignoring" but i do admire her for caring for the boy all these years. I judged and thought how can they not bathe the boy that good and let him have so much dead skin on but boy, it must be hard to bathe that boy alone. it takes 3 people in the hospital to do it. And to be with him everyday all these years takes a toll on the body. People abandon their babies when they think they've down syndrome. Living with a child with duchenne muscular dystrophy must be one of the hardest things any parent can go through.
I just read that these patients usually die before 30years of age. This patient was 34 and sure death is imminent especially if he's currently on assist control and has to get a pacer removed. It must be hard caring so meticulously for a son but then knowing he's going to die, you wouldn't have any grandkids or whatever. I think its a little depressing. I'm tearing up as i write this because my heart goes to the patient and his mom.
I think if he wants to live, then who can say 'hey, withhold so and so from him.' The interesting thing is that the guys brain was intact. I thought of the 15year old patient at st. chris' who had that disease with progressive muscle wasting but then his brain was out of it as well so he didn't know what was going on. He used a wheelchair, could cooperate sometimes with his mom and really wasn't a hard person to take care of. I thought of how his mom kept having hope, bringing him to the hospital, staying and carrying him around. Part of me wonders which one is better: being mentally capable of knowing what's wrong with you or being incapable of knowing it? i think the first one is scary but then its hard to determine if the second one isn't scarry because that 15y.o boy really didn't talk, he made some sounds and moved his head forward and backwords but this 34 y.o one here can talk save for the trach.
I think of these mothers who've been dedicated to their children. I don't know if i can do that. But the thing with good mothers is that they are there for you, no matter how bad you are, no matter how bad the world says you are, they love you, and they would dedicate their life, holding onto the hope, the invisible hope, that one day their child would get better.
God bless these mothers, my mother, all those who've toiled for their children. Those who've believed when no else believed. God bless our mothers, Happy mothers day.

Take a bow

All the world is a stage and everyone has their parts
but how was i to know which the story'd go?
How i was i to know you'd break....
You'd break my heart

I've always been in love with you
Guess you've always known
you took my love for granted why...oh why?
the show is over... say goodbye

I've always like this song. I just didn't know madonna was the singer and after all these years, i just found out yestrday. I still like the song cuz it's got some emotion to it. I think i only knew the chorus and the melody for the rest. Anyway, i've been listening to it the past 2 days. crazy, huh?
Anyway, life is just going.... Always something complicated comes up. a hurdle to jump thru or over. Always something new. I'm not sure if i know where my head is. Someone convinced me to get Precompletion OPT and know that i look back, i wish i'd not spoken to them that day when they suggested it. God knows if they meant well for me. I thought they did, i'm not sure if they really did. As usual, i wait till last minute to get things done and i have so many stuff to do before school starts again monday. And mind you i have to work all weekend starting tomorrow. I guess i need to take a day at time. It's almost over....and i thank God for that.

here' a video on you tube that uses LOST to make it so emotionals