A moment of silence

For a dear patient of mine. Not really my patient all the time but he is someone i got to know as i worked with other nurses and had a good relationship with. Just walked into the breakroom and saw the announcement for his funeral. First of all, i wasn't expecting him to die cuz i saw him the weekedn before the last when i worked and i know he was here during the week when i was here cuz i'd heard them talking about dialysis for him cuz he had developed renal failure. For a moment there, i thought chemo makes him get that but that was all i thought at that moment and i never thought about anything again.

I'm just sad. Soo sad. Actually, i was so shocked in the break room i expressed my shock in such loud outburst of disbelief. It made me loose my appetite for the other half of my chicken sandwich (Thank God i finished the first half of it when it came in an 10 ). As i sat and ate dinner, i couldn't help but picture him from the last time when i saw him, boy he was soooo huge then, i remember trying to say something to him but i couldn't say "you look like you've gained a lot of weight" so i said "you're not your usual self". And i said that because he was quiet, withdrawn, wasn't talking much, had this flat affect and he just wasn't who he used to be. I thought back to the last time when i came in and he made me go get a delivery for him downstairs while i was getting report. He asked me to take $5 of the money and i told him, i can't do that because i'm a christian. Then i thought back to the last time katie worked, i did cultures on him that night and thinking about that made me realize that the first time i did cultures during april was on this patient and the last time i did cultures was on him. Then i thought about the very first time he came in, the first day i saw him, i'd heard during report that his name was being pronounced wrong. When i went in, there were two male friends of his, and his girlfriend. I'm wondering if his daughter was there but i don't think he was. They were cracking jokes left and right and his blood pressure was elevated so i made a comment and he blamed the people there for getting him too excited. That was the best i'd ever seen him, thinking aobut it now.

Over these past few months, i've watched him through the spikes and how sometimes he would say the S word when he spikes or the F word when he spikes or something happens. I've watch him on the phone deal with family issues with his gf as i took a blood pressure and pretended i wasn't listening.

Today, i think off all the times i've known this person, of how i would go say hi even when i don't have him as a patient and chat with him for a while. I only go to few patients room to say hi when i don't have them and those are patients i've good relationship with. I can only think of 4 of them for the time that i've been here. I'm sad to hear that he died. i think of that 2-year old daughter of his. She was really beautiful and i remember telling him the first time i saw him to "do it for her." If by saying that i meant do the chemo, then God forgive me. I have a strong sense of feeling that some people can live longer without chemo than they can with it. I overheard a patient today tellign whomever was on the other end of the phone that when this treatment is over, she is not going to come in again. I don't blame here. This is a patient who came in perfectly healthy with a baseline temperature of 97. whatever. Now she's grateful to God to get a temp of 98.8. I remember a case in my bioethics class last quarter when a christian scientist family came under severe critism because they would not let their child undergo chemotherapy after they'd been told the child could get all the side effects including sterility. Plus the child could also die. I wouldn't have gone with the therapy but of course we live in a society where anti-christian sentiments are mundane.

Anyway, back to the topic. Thinking about this patient of mine, part of me wonders if his lifespan woulda been longer without chemo. I guess we'll never find out. Life is soo unpredictable and something like this tells me to draw nearer to God cuz death has no respect for age. We try to think we are in control of our lives but the truth is, we aren't. I'm not a funeral person. The last time i went to a funeral was in high school and that was cuz i was trying to show that i wasn't that selfish person who wants to stay on campus and study. That was silly anyway cuz i never went into the house when i went to the funeral. I might go. i thought i had some hours lined up with WCD for me but i guess i may be trading them. If i do go, i'll post my thoughts on funeral. ):